It's been years
by NikkiJP
Summary: It's been years. Years, but James still loves Kendall like he did all this time ago.


**Hi everyone! So this is my first fanfic! I'm so excited :p anyways, I'll keep this short. The cursive are Kendall's letter, everything else is third person's POV.**

**ENJOY!**

* * *

_Dearest,_

_I don't know who will find this first. It could be mom or Katie bringing me something to eat. Or maybe Carlos to play video games or Logan to help me with my homework. It could be James to make sure I'm not dead._

_I'm sorry to disappoint you, whoever you might be. I'm sorry you have to find me this way. And I'm so so sorry that you'll never see me again._

_But just know, who ever you are, I will miss you._

_Normal people would be scared of dying but I'm not. I'm not normal. I look forward to dying. I've wanted this for so long, guys. I can't take it anymore._

_Now if you're reading this, please don't cry. Mom, Katie, Logan, James and Carlos. Just whatever you do, don't cry._

_I'm happy now._

_Hollywood was never my scene. Minnesota wasn't what I wanted._

_Don't get me wrong, I loved my time in Minnesota and my time in Hollywood. But they weren't where I belong._

_I'm so so sorry I have to say this, but I belong in a coffin, buried six feet underground._

_You have to know that I don't blame anyone for this except myself. It's all on me this time._

_You could stop me once, guys. But you can't stop me twice._

_Afterall, I was Kendall Knight for God's sake._

* * *

James cries while after reading this. Every single time again. It's been years. Years and he still can't get over it.

It's been years, but he can still see Kendall's lifeless body laying on the bathroom floor every time he closes his eyes.

He holds the letter in his hands every night. Like somehow, Kendall's going to jump out of his closet and yell; "GOTCHA!"

But he never does. He never will.

Kendall's gone and he's never coming back.

James needs to just finally understand that.

Everyone moved on. Logan's a doctor now. Carlos a stuntman. became the PalmWoods's new manager and Katie's this big new rising actress.

Everyone moved on with their lives and James just sits there in his tiny apartment everyday, rotting away, crying, praying that Kendall's okay. Where ever he might be.

James is broken. He rarely admits it anyone. Not even his reflection.

But when he looks in the mirror and sees the dishevelled hair, bags underneath his eyes and so, so much hurt, he knows. He doesn't need anyone telling him anymore. He knows.

He's broken into a million tiny pieces.

And he can't be put back together because the biggest, most important piece is the one that's really gone now. He doesn't want to die, like Kendall. No, he's already dead.

Because technically. Who is able to live without a heart?

* * *

_Do you guys remember what our old hockey coach used to say?_

_We'd fight about the stupidest things. We'd stay mad at each other for days. Until Coach Peters called us in and sat us down, all four of us in his tiny office. Do you remember what he said?_

_'I'd give up everything I have, if it means I'll die with my friends right there with me. Holding my hand.'_

_Twenty-three words. I've counted them over and over and over. Amazed by how such a small sentence could be so real. So true it was scary._

_We didn't need any other words. He stood up and left his own office. And we looked at each other and just smiled. _

_When we left his office, we were laughing like nothing happened in the first place._

_One damn sentence could fix whatever problem we had between us._

_I tried, guys. I said it out loud hundreds of times, wrote it down, sang it. But it didn't change a single thing._

_It didn't fix me like i hoped it would. I hated myself. No amount of fans or family could fix me._

_Not even my best friends._

_A lost cause. But you already knew that, didn't you?_

_I tried before, but you stopped me. You didn't understand._

_I'd still give everything, you know. If it meant that I'd die alone. My friends understanding why I had to go._

* * *

Logan nags, Carlos cries, James keeps quiet while at the same time, Kendall just dies.

It happened too fast to realize it really was that way.

He sits at the cemetery. He's wearing plaid and Vans. It's silly but James thinks that was the only way to ever reach Kendall's heart. Be him. Be like Kendall. Maybe he'll be able to love himself then.

That's bullshit. James knows that. They loved and made love. They were together.

They were perfect in their own little messed up way.

James used to kiss Kendall all the time. To make him feel loved. Kendall talked on and on about finding some worth caring for, some one to hold if you're scared. Some one to _love_. Kendall knew he was loved. He just never found the strength to love himself.

Logan calls that night. There's a job opening at the practice he works at. James declines. He Always does. Wether it's for a job or a hug that may or may not mend his broken heart, James _always_ declines.

The only arms he want around his body are Kendall's. The only job he wants is to _be _Kendall's. It was a full time experience that he would never resign from. But when the boss gives up? Well, it's hard not to.

They want him to move on. But he can't. Not with all the boxes hidden deep in the hollows of his closet.

_Kendall's things_

He can't. Not with all the pictures scattered around his crappy place.

_Summer of 2011_

He can't move on when all it does is break his heart even more.

* * *

_Sometimes it's hard to admit to yourself that you have to give up._

_Sometimes you have to back down, let go. Sometimes you just have to surrender._

_It's so damn hard. But it's the only thing that helps anymore._

_I'm backing down, guys. Letting go._

_I'm finally surrendering to the one thing that could save me or destroy me._

_I'm surrendering to myself._

_I will have to be the one who decides. Life or death?_

_I'm chosing the latter._

_I'm sorry. That's really the only thing I can say. I'm sorry for making you feel this way._

_Now comes the Goodbye part._

_Logan. You made me do my homework. Patched me up when I was hurt. You're the nicest, best person this world will ever know._

_Carlos. You Always made me laugh. Even during my darkest times. There was no one that could put a smile on my face like you did every single time._

_Mom. I'm not fooling around right now. Not pranking you or whatever. I know it's so hard to get a hold of this. I'm on my way to nowhere, I know that. Just know that I don't regret the time I spent alive. I was no one, really. Never will be. But you always made me feel like I mattered. I'd give anything for you to turn out fine._

_Katie. Oh, baby sister, I'm so sorry. You're the bravest person I have ever known. I know you. Better than you'd think. You'll be strong in front of everyone. But when you're alone in safety of your bedroom, you'll cry. But I don't want you to. Not like I am right now. Because I know you'll turn out fine. You were always so much better at it than I was. I'm so proud of you, Katie. You rock my socks off, baby girl. Always have. Always will._

_Now James. You were probably the most shallow, self-absorbed person I have ever met. But I've never cared so deeply for someone to be okay til now. You'll make it without me. I can feel it. I can feel it in my veins, a tremble in my bones. You're so great, James. So perfect. Please don't ever change. For me. 'Cause it was all for you, James. My entire heart. My entire body, soul, mind. It's yours. It's always belonged to you._

* * *

James is on his bed. He knows the part that always makes him cry is coming.

But when he lets his eyes rake over the sheet of paper, he doesn't cry.

He wants to. He wants t cry so badly but he won't let himself. He won't break. He says it out loud too. While staring at the old paper that resembles everything Kendall ever was. Eight years. It's been eight years,

but...

_"I won't break. Not again."_

James gets up quickly. He goes over to the closet in the far corner of his room. When he opens it, the boxes are still there. Boxes filled with plaid shirts and pairs of Vans and way to many memories for one boy to contain.

He's not breaking. He's moving on.

Moving on means throwing out the boxes. Donating the clothes and the shoes to charity and replacing all of his pictures with pictures of his family, Logan, Carlos. Maybe even Mrs. Knight or Katie.

Anything to keep those green eyes from his shelves.

When he's done James feels empty.

Empty but relieved.

He even finds the strength to call Logan.

"Hey buddy. It's me. About that job-" "Say no more, James. I'm on it."

Logan knows. He knows James is moving on. And that James is throwing out all the pictures and the clothes the memories. And Logan is happy.

Logan is happy because he did the exact same thing years ago.

What Logan doesn't know though is that James, unlike Logan or even Carlos kept one picture. One memory. Because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get rid of it.

He's afraid. Terrified that if he turns the frame around, it will all be for nothing. The whole moving on thing.

He's afraid he'll cry. James doesn't want to be in that situation anymore.

Carlos and Logan didn't see, can't even imagine what James saw. But somehow and James is going to hell for even thinking it, somehow he wishes they had. Just so they can understand why it's so damn hard for James not to cry if sees those eyes so full of life. When all James can remember are those same eyes. Wide open and bloodshot and...Empty.

But when James looks at the picture, he doesn't cry. Instead he smiles a smile that matches the one in the picture.

He's done with tears. He knows that now.

When he goes to bed that night, he doesn't freak out. He doesn't feel thousands of memories floating around in his mind. He just smiles at the picture on his nightstand and falls asleep.

He doesn't have a nightmare. He doesn't even dream about him and when he wakes up with a smile on his face, there's only one thing he can think of.

He has moved on.

There's one thing, though. One feeling, one memory that he can't move on from. He realizes that when he remembers Kendall's jealous face. The boy from the coffeeshop is flirting with him again. But this time it doesn't sting. It doesn't freak him out.

James doesn't go in on it. He tells the guy that he gave his heart to someone else a long time ago. He isn't even lying when he says that. Kendall can't own his mind. He can't own his body.

But Kendall owns his heart.

That's the thing he can't move on from. The feeling that rests deep inside him.

That's why he's still alive.

It's been years. Years, but James till loves Kendall like he did all this time ago.

* * *

_My paper's almost up. I think might be time for me to leave._

_I don't know if it really matters at all but I'm not crying._

_You want to know why?_

_Because I was cherished, cared for. I wasn't alone._

_And I hated you for that. Sometimes all I wanted was to be left alone._

_But know that I appreciated this lack of loneliness. It means I meant something. _

_That's the only reason I didn't give up sooner._

_I want you to move on. I'm talking to you now, James. You always take pretty long._

_Letting go feels so good, Jamie. You just have to be willing._

_Promise me, all of you, that no matter how long it takes, you'll move on._

_We'll be fine. All of us. Mom, Katie? You're going to be just fine. And as for you, guys? Big Time Rush will be okay._

_After all, we're four hockey players from Minnesota._

_No one can knock us down._

_I'm still here, guys. All you have to do is remember me._

_It might take years. But you have to. It's the only thing I'm asking for._

_Now, I believe it's the first time I'm saying this since I started the letter. But I love you. I always will._

_No amount of years between now and later will ever change that._

_See you soon,guys._

_Kendall._


End file.
